What if?

i AM ugly.

yeah. self esteem is very low. and very bad timing too. right before school starts. i honestly believe im ugly. i dont care what people say, i am ugly. i guess im a good actress. can i just play it offf. but in my heead im so sad in the inside. it's hard. especially when my most fear is my apperance. my number one hinderance. i hate it. it's holdng me back so much. but sometime, maybe it's just me holding me back, you know.  but it's so easy blaming it on my self  conscious.  but man. it's hard to accpect compliments. cause they say one thing, but my head says otherwise. i hate this battle. and whatever i try and do, i always compare my self to other i can never measure up to. and i thihnk that's the saddest part. comparing myself to others. but it's hard not to. cause im just so used to it. i just wish one day. i'll be beautiful. cause it's hard. no matter what i do, the harder i try to fix myseld. it just feels like im not trying hard enough so i give up... but one day, i will be beautiful. or least, i hope so. i guess, the reason i keep giving up is that i have no real movtivation. no one is helping me, they're just pushing me. and im tired of that. that's not what i need. it kinda hurts, you know. it just does. cause makes me feel like im lonlier than i really am.

one day, i will be beautiful.

UNDENIABLE.

after this weekend, i realize what i have. and after today. im still asking my self, "where is the love?"  i use to feel and believe. but now with everyone around with true colors showing. i dont feel. well, having second thoughts just now, maybe i have change. gaah, i cant express right now.

UNEXPLAINABLE.

yet peaceful. do you ever get that feeling where it seems like everything's wrong, but you just feel so right. well, i feel kinda like that. i guess... ahahah. i dont know. i just have this feeling like, wow. you know. nothing seems wrong.  i just feel a little relax.

I LOVE MY BROTHER.

a special letter from my brother. it show how much i mean to him. and there's no doubt how much he means to me. his my bodyguard, my best friend, my brother. =]

yeahh so today is 4th of july. whee. theres supposed to be fireworks and stuff. so im looking forward to that. hmm. earlier today i had a deep talk with a brother of mine from CFCY. and he made me realize a whole lotta stuff about myself that i didnt notice. and im really glad and thankful for my brothers. they know how to bring me up whenever i get down. but as much as my brothers know how to bring me up, there aint noone ever gonna bring me up like my sister. and heres just a lil somthing i wanna say to her:


dear SISTER,

wow. there are so many words i can use to thank you, but somehow i dont think its ever enough. you have done sooo much for me. i still remember the first day i met you. it was at famine camp and we really didnt talk much. i mean i kinda remember sitting next to you on the way to SkidRow, but other than that, we really didnt talk. but i do remember when we met at conference in Houston. i remember you said something really stupid the first time and i was like "ooooookay.." haha. good times. and ever since that one night when i started talking to you on AIM, its been great. i dont know what it is about you, but when i talk to you, i feel like i can tell you everything. that i dont have to hold back on things. that i can say something stupid, and you would laugh and call me gay. haha. fasho.

i dont know where i'd be right now if it wasnt for ur help and support. i just realized recently, that throughout ALL my hard times, you were always a constant help. everytime i needed support, and a shoulder to lean on, you were there to pick me up. whenever i felt like crap, you were always there to listen, for me to vent, for me to tell my problems. i know that sometimes you dont know what to say, but just the fact that you are there listening to what i say, means so much to me. i just dont know what i can say to thank you. i just cant seem to put how thankful i really am in words. you know, im just thankful that you allowed me to share a part of my life with you and vise versa. i know that our experiences have built upon our friendship and if we werent so open, we wouldnt be good friends like we are today. im just glad that youre always there whenever i need you.

hmm..i just wanna apologize for how ive acted recently. i know it sucks for you to see me putting myself down like this, and i thank you for sticking with me. i know i may be ignorant, telling you that ur wasting ur time and all, but still, you prevail and stick with it. dang. you must REALLY care for me huh? =[ im so sorry for neglecting all you tried to do yesterday. and if its any help, your words really did touch me. i just didnt want to admit it at the time. i was just being some stupid BOY. haha.

anyways, thats all i really wanted to say. just thanks. and sorry for how i acted. mmkay. =]
oh yeah, ill always be here. no matter what. you know? cuz God has different plans for us. were not always going to be traveling the same road. our lives may one day take us miles apart from one another. but always know, we are connected through our hearts. =] i love you sister. always and forever. till we die. then we shall meet once again in heaven. =]


Love Your Brother,
Robbie.


PS. Greek God of Fire MY ASS. fuck the greek god of fire.

there i said it. =]

and a little chat that shows how close we are. =]